Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid

What's a girl to do?
No, seriously, what am I supposed to do with this boy?
Love him? Leave him?
I hadn't been feeling well this past weekend and spent most of my days in my bedroom reading books and playing mindless flash games. So much for the "student's life for me." I'm feeling better now, but my medicine dosage got doubled...along with its side effects. Lucky me. Anyway, during my time of social isolation, my dear guy friend goes and does something unspeakable. He bought me Chik-fil-A...without me asking for it or asking if I wanted anything. My own family doesn't do anything like that!
Earlier in the day, I ventured out (idiotically) to get something from the store. I met him outside and showed him a picture of the sign I made that he desperately wanted to see (I'll explain that later on). I felt horrible and excused myself, trying to make a quick getaway before I emptied the contents of my stomach. I made a beeline for my dorm and he escorted me the whole way. He's very persistent like that.
He's also too nice.
When I asked him why he was so nice to me, this is what he said:
"Do I have to have a reason? :)"
Now, what am I supposed to think with an answer like that? One of our mutual friend said that she's pretty sure he's crazy about me, but I can never be sure. He's too much of a mystery to me. Normally, I'm pretty good at reading people and their intentions, but I must admit, this boy has got me stumped.
But then again, I most likely stump him too. I regret to say that sometimes I let my feelings and emotions determine how I act and talk around him. The sign I was mentioning before? Yes, it was for him. He was competing in a race and I made one to tape on my dorm window. It took up the whole window and was very obviously for him.
Sometimes, I feel like he's the world to me and other times it's like "what am I thinking??"
Should I tell him what's on my heart and risk our friendship?
Or should I keep on keeping on and risk losing the best thing I could ever have?
The Land of Confusion is not a very happy place to vacation, needless to say.

My great mistake, the fault for which I can't forgive myself is that one day I ceased my obstinate pursuit of my own individuality.

Apparently, I'm a melancholy phlegmatic.
In simpler terms, it means I have a boring personality.
One of my friends gave me a book about personality types. What the author had to say made me angry.
The author was basically trying to say that "everyone is unique in their own special way" and then went on to speak as if there were only four types of people in the world. My personality, according to the author, is one that is antisocial, controlling, and strict.
That's not me.
I'm laid back, but I do hold to somewhat stricter standards.
I like neatness, but my room is a complete disaster (I always claim it's the sign of genius in me).
I love laughing and having fun and yelling at games, but I also like sitting by the ocean and listening to the waves hit the beach.
I am, but I'm not.
I am a living contradiction...to myself.
It's true! Sometimes, I do things or say things that are completely contrary to what I would normally do. I didn't like that the personality book placed me in only one and a half categories.
I took their test by picking specific adjective from a list of four words that best described me. Sometimes, all of the words defined me; sometimes, none of them did. It was a test to find my strengths and weaknesses.
Well...I know those. What about everything else?
It based my personality on my strengths and weaknesses instead of who I really am. Who I am when no one is around.
Want to know what the worst thing about the book was?
It told me the type of guy I should be romantically involved with.
It basically said I should go for the loud, obnoxious, confident, handsome guy who hangs around people all the time and doesn't let me get a word in otherwise.
WHAT!?!?
Those types of guys drive me nuts!! I actually want a guy who's more like me---reserved, respectable. You know, a guy I can feel comfortable being myself around. I don't have to worry about pleasing him or his friends with my social status or worry about feeling overwhelmed by him when he does all the talking and doesn't let me enjoy a quiet moment.
I don't want to fall in love with him because of his personality...
I want to fall in love with his heart.

Friendship isn’t about being inseparable, it’s about being separated, and knowing nothing will change.

So, I'm posting for the second time today. I promise these won't be like facebook statuses.
I just want to reiterate how much I appreciate my best friend.
Today, I had an anxiety attack during the school's welcoming program.
It wasn't pretty. I was so scared. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.
He was there with me every second. I feel so bad for causing him so much worry. I wish everything was normal again.
Afterwards, I had calmed down some. I was able to stand for the closing invitation. It was pretty weakly, but I did it. My one friend beside me supported me with her arm. He stood close enough that our arms brushed. Seeing as men aren't allowed to touch women here, it's pretty significant for me.
He insisted that if I need anything, I should let him know.
To be honest, I almost told him I loved him right then and there.
I should probably be more careful of that.
My best friend...he's amazing.

There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't

Hey look! I can blog from school. Sweet.
This past week, I was diagnosed with anxiety and am currently taking medication for it.
Medication that is taking a long, long time to work. On average, I've heard of this medicine not fully working until about one month.
Great.
That makes me feel all better.
To be honest, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Everything that was once familiar to me is now something strange and intimidating.  It's like my world turned upside down and I finally saw how scary the world really is. Except I still don't think it's that scary, my brain does.
My anxiety is caused by a chemical imbalance of seratonin in my brain. Seratonin, from what I know, is the chemical that lets our brain know what emotion to feel. If I'm wrong, please correct me. My brain doesn't have enough of this apparently.
In other words, my brain is saying "AHH! You're gonna die!!", when really I'm just excited to go back to school.
Very inconvenient, I might add.
This isn't new to me, though. I've had some sort of anxiety for my entire life. My earliest memory of it began in 2nd grade. It's just never affected me this badly before.
What constitutes badly, you ask?
Tightness in my throat and chest which lead to gagging/dry heaving fits, trembling, heart racing, cold sweats, tingling in my hands and feet, and hyperventilation.
Sounds peachy, huh?
This seems like the theme of my life: fear. Everything I do is governed by it. I've let it control me and my way of thinking for so long, it's finally taken over completely. When I'm having an attack, it's like I temporarily lose control of my entire brain function. I know what I want to do, but my mind and body won't listen. It's scary. Every time I get in a bad way, my mind goes through a cycle until I drop of exhaustion. I think about something coming up, my body reacts with anxiety, I get anxious because of how I feel, I feel worse because of the rising anxiety. It just goes on from there. It's not a pretty picture.
Lately, I'm starting to feel more in control. I'm actually feeling halfway normal now. Well, my definition of normal atleast.
Fear is a heartless, soulless, merciless captain that can steer you into waters that are deep and rough, then pushes you overboard and laughs as you flail around without a hope of staying afloat. Fear pushes you down and makes sure that you stay down. I just need to learn how to push back...

Taking something from one man and making it worse is plagiarism

Help me!!! I can't get off Yahoo answers!
Well...atleast drag me out of the religion and spirituality section. It makes me angry and frustrated to see all these supposed "fellow Christians" acting like moronic idiots! Seriously! One person claimed God told her who she's going to marry. Another said that God was going to give them whatever they wanted because they found "favour." Whaaaat?  Christians are not (all) woo-hoos! Stop claiming it just to troll!!!
See what I mean?
I did have fun answering questions about people's poems though. Can't say I discovered the next Robert Louis Stevenson, but some of them were pretty good. Others?
Well...you know the saying. "If you can't say anything nice..."
Anyway, I seem to have made quite an impression on one person. A few days after browsing and answering some poetry questions, I get a message from a user asking if I'll help her with a poem. Of course, I said yes.
Hey, I know you would do it too for that extra oomph of ego.
So, there I was thinking I was helping a girl understand a poem better. I gave her my insight on the poem, explaining what I got out of it and what I thought the poem was trying to get across. She was very thankful for my insight. Of course, she was.
Little did I know, I was helping this girl...WITH HER HOMEWORK!
The next message is sent to me containing some very specific questions. Questions that I know very well she didn't make up herself. I pointed this fact out, gave her a little guidance on how to get some of the answers for herself, and basically said that I wasn't about to give her a free ride on my back for a good grade. Kids these days, sheesh!
Just like the usual youngsters these days. They want all the answers, but they don't want to make any effort to find them theirselves. Sad. I don't know how she'll do on the project, but I guarantee she won't feel any pride from the work she didn't do. Asking for help was good. I'll gladly help someone who is struggling with trying to understand something. Asking me to do everything was bad. Very bad.
I just wonder how much effort she put into it before she asked me to help her.
I think you know the answer just as well as I do.

The truest test of love is if you're willing to keep fighting for it.

Wow...look at the time...yeah, sorry about that, seemingly non-existent readers!
You like the new font? I thought I'd switch things up a bit this time.
Anyway, moving on to what's been going on lately.
The past week or so, I have been doing something that sadly isn't new to me: fighting for a life that isn't mine.
My youngest kitten, about 3-4 weeks old, is battling an upper respiratory illness (yes, cats can get it too). I feel like it's ripping my heart out to tend to it and hear it wheezing and trying to manage a squeak to call out to its mother. To be honest, due to its young immune system, I figured this kitten would be gone by now. But it's not, and that gives me some comfort.
So, here I am, going outside every day with a wet napkin to wash its face and clean up it's poor little nose. Why? Because I have to. As long as there's something I can do for my little ones, I'll do it.
Because I love them.
And I always will.
Three of my older kittens ran away the same time this kitten was born. I have been heavily grieving this fact, and that is why I haven't updated for a while. My heart just wasn't into it.
People always call me the "crazy cat lady." I don't care, because I know I'm not. I don't give them all fru-fru names and carry them around like babies. I don't dress them up in little doll's clothes. I don't chain them to my house so they'll stay with me forever. Call me the cat lady if you will, but crazy I am not. I just love them and care for them and try to make their lives as happy as I can. I do grieve when I lose them, but wouldn't you do the same for a friend?
Most of all though, I will fight for them.
I will endure physical and emotional pain for the little ones that I am responsible for. Change that, I have endured. But I don't regret one single moment of them. I don't regret scouring the forest, calling for them. I don't regret hand-feeding them when they're too sick and weak to drink from their mother. I don't regret the bruises and scratches and scars I have gotten from relocating them to safer places. My only regret is that I lack in facilities and resources to care for them better.
Their lives are my life now, and I will fight for them as if for my own life.
Because I love them.
What do you do for the little things you love? For the ones you love?
Here's a better question...
What do you fight for?

being alone never felt right. sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right.

I've been feeling extaordinarily lonely today. Maybe it has something to do with that fact that I haven't seen a single soul yet today...and it's 6:30...PM.
This is not how I want to live my life, but it's happening.
Does anyone even read this?
I'd like to think I make a difference to someone who reads this, but I'm just not seeing anything near some sort of evidence to make me believe that I am.
Is anyone out there? Listening to me rant about things I see every day? Listening to my observations about the various happenstances that, well, happen?
...anyone?
Anyway, I watched a lot of tv today and decided to write this:

Tips for directing/writing a ScyFy B-movie:::
1. start with 3 dudes doing something, alone, in the wide open space. Have the monster attack them. Leave no survivors.
2. Hire three freshmen college students to do all of the CG. All of it.
3. Hire a cheap stuntman to prance around in an obviously rubber prosthetic suit.
4. TELL THE ACTORS THAT MAYBE IF THEY TALK LOUD ENOUGH, THE MONSTER WON'T HEAR THEM!
5. Don't introduce the monster after the first time until about, oh, let's say, three-quarters of the way into the movie. I mean, everyone loves drawn-out backstories right? right?
6. No, no, no. Just having the monster terrorize everyone isn't horrific enough. Throw in some kind of natural disaster like a blizzard or a tornado. That'll keep the audience on the edge of their seats.
7. Hey, here's a good idea! Let everyone think the monster's dead a half hour before the movie ends! Then watch their surprised faces as it revives not once, but twice! It's genius!
8. Buy a lot of ketchup packets. I mean c'mon, you gotta go for realism here.
9. No one, and I mean no one, can be killed naturally. Have them, I don't know, get their heads bitten off or crack them in half over the monster's knees. Ooo! Better yet! Rip their arm off and beat them with it! That's not funny at all if you put enough ketch--er---blood and screaming.
10. Let atleast one couple survive so that in the end they can make out like sausages.
11. Tripods are too expensive. Just hold it on your shoulder. I'm sure no one will notice the camera jerking every 2 seconds.
12. As the last scene, show a clip of the monster's arm/tentacle/claw/whatever twitching to give the impression that it survived the rockslide/explosion/volcanic eruption/multiple gunshot wounds to the head.
13. If the protagonists need gas or ammo, always put it on the opposite side of where they're at. And have the monster protect it like its own children.
14. Always let the audience know that the monster is nearby by playing obviously menacing music every time even if it doesn't really fit into the scene.
15. Have atleast one person with the wrong kind of accent or nationality from where they're supposedly from.

Come on, I know you know of one movie like this. :)

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live

Some days, I just want to scream.
Every time this woman steps into the same room as me, she never fails to find something to criticize. According to her, I'm fat, lazy, and scare children away with my face.
Nothing I do is ever good enough to appease her.
I don't do something that she didn't tell me to do and she yells at me. When I do it without her asking, she scoffs and asks why I didn't do something else as well. I'll never win with her, so I've stopped trying.
She's trying to fix me as if I'm one of her broken "toys" that's not quite working right. She thinks that maybe if she hit me hard enough and long enough, I'll "straighten up." Yeah, right. All I'm doing is bending the other way. I don't want what she wants. I don't want to be like her.
She wants me to be a carbon copy of herself. Never gonna happen. I don't want to be selfish, using guilt and fear to manipulate others to do what I want them to do. I don't want to take advantage of people to get them to do what I'm too lazy to do myself. I don't want to bring others down so I can go higher. I don't want to be anywhere near where who she is now.
If she thinks someone's angry with her, she responds with more anger even if that person wasn't mad at her in the first place. She slams things and sighs heavily to get her point across. She doesn't even realize that she hurts others as well as hurting herself. She wants people to feel sorry for her, because then she knows they'll want to make her "feel better." I don't do that. I don't feel sorry for people who ask for it. I don't pity people who only want everyone's eyes on them and their pitiful state. It's a sick and disgusting way to feel better about yourself.
Lately, she' s realized that maybe she hasn't handled our relationship in the best way. She buys me gifts and takes me special places to try and make it up to me. It doesn't work. The damage is done. Here are some quotes that she's said to me.
"Don' t you have any ambition??"
"Can't you do anything right?"
"Is that you?" (said as she pokes me in the stomach. It wasn't joking.)
"People will see you!" (I wasn't wearing makeup. Heaven forbid!!!)
"They just need to dwindle away to one or two." (talking about my multiple pet cats)
The damage is done. The damage is done. You can't heal scars; you can only try to hide them.
She will be sweet as sugar to your face, but rip you apart like a ravenous piranha behind your back. Not once, but every time she comes in contact with you. In her mind, she knows exactly how you are and that's how you will be to her, even if she's wrong. I feel sorry for her husband. I wonder if he knew what exactly she was like when he married her, or if she was just hiding her true self in order for him to like her better.
I should hate her...but I can't.
She's my mom.
I have to love her, even if it's only for my duty as her child.
Please...don't do this to your children. Please love them always and be the person you want them to be. Don't expect them to be perfect, because you know you aren't either. Please.

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

It's not everyday you see kittens at Pizza Hut.
Not inside, of course, but apparently the cats' mother decided that the bushes by two busy roads was the best place to raise her skiddish young. While waiting for our pizza at the drive-thru (and enjoying our free drinks, courtesy of the cute window guy), I spotted one grey kitten and one black kitten nosing around in a small grassy area by some bushes. Always the one to show my zeal for feline friends, I immediately point them out to my sister. We both ooh and ahh about them for a few minutes before wondering who was taking care of them. Upon further inspection of the area, I spied two empty cans of cat food near the bushes. The employees of that Pizza Hut have my grandest respect. It's not everyday that a company as busy as a pizza place will go out of their way to show kindness to something as small as few kittens in the bushes outside their place. I wanted to go inside and commend whoever it was for their act of selflessnes. I also wanted to share my condolences for the one kitten that had been hit. Instead of leaving the lifeless cat on the side of the road, someone (one of the staff who feeds them, I assume) had removed the cat and hid it in the bushes away from the road.
Now that's honorable.
I have no doubt that someone had a rough start to their day at work after that happened.
I love stories like these. I have a collection of photos of soldiers, policemen, and firemen with kittens they've either saved or become friends with.
They're so awesome, I must share them:



I have lots more; if anyone wants to see them, you can either ask or google image search them.
These are the true hearts of heroes.

The three great essentials to achieve anything worthwhile are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense

This may cause a few to take a double-take.
Today, I was afraid of not getting laid off.
Yes, you heard me. I wanted to get fired from my 9 to 5, air-conditioned, pencil-pushing, temporary part-time office job. Why? Because the other person I worked with did, and I didn't (and still don't) want to make up for what they can't do now that they're gone. I'm gonna make a small confession: I hate answering phones and making phone calls. I abhor it. What makes my odd phone-phobia extra nervous about the job? I work at an insurance agency...and I know absolutely nothing about insurance. Nothing. Nada. Nil. For now, I just do the paperwork and mailing. I don't have to deal with equally ignorant clients who depend on me to be their fountain of insurance-y knowledge. I can't wake people up to tell them their birthday's tomorrow and that we "hope it's a good one!" I just sit behind the computer and crunch some serious insurance numbers. Auto quotes are...so fun...
But for now, let's get our minds of me and to the ex-employee.
Why were they fired?
One word: motivation.
They didn't have any. A case as easy as eating pie. Good pie.
Kids these days want to be paid for what they don't do. It's crazy! If you wonder why kids these days are so unappreciative and rebellious, it's because they don't know what the word "responsibility" means (courtesy of lazy parents, no doubt). They don't know the satisfaction of a good day's work. They want the medal without running the race. Sorry, but microwave solutions are nothing compared to slowly cooking them to perfection.
My employer told me that the former employee lacked "conscientiousness," and clearly stated that if "you don't work, you don't stay." Ouch, man.
People brush off their petty jobs all the time, but I seriously question whether that's beneficial to them. I mean, if you have a dream, chances are you're going to have to work for it. When was the last time you saw or heard of a dream come true falling out of the sky and neatly landing on someone's lap? If you have any sort of dream for your future whatsoever, do you really want to waste your time by only just waiting for it? I don't. It's entirely possible that it won't happen at all that way. I want to break free of a job that is slowly wasting me away from behind a glowing computer screen. I dream of watching an African sunset, listening to the night from my jeep or tent. I dream of wide open skies, the wind in the trees, the sun beating down, my cheetah cubs tumbling over each other in the grass. I don't want to work with insurance, but I do it. Because we all have to do things we don't want to do to achieve our dreams. Your dream is more than just a goal; it's a prize that you have to run for. In order to pet my first cheetah, I must first do this job. I have to be responsible and do my job now for my dream job later. I will reach my dream, but only if I persevere and work consistently and do what I need to do now.
But I'm not touching that phone...

It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does?

Facebook's gone! Guess I should celebrate or something.
....yippee....
ANYWAY, something simply magical happened tonight.
There I was, listening to a sad love song crying because I thought I'd lost my friend to another girl, when all of a sudden, my phone vibrates!
It was him! Asking me to guess where he was.
I guessed right, of course. I make it a point to be creepy like that...not really.
After telling him I work for the CIA and him bouncing off a comeback, we got past the inevitable small talk and he said these words which never fail to break my heart into teeny weeny pieces:
"I wish i could see you"
I am such a girl. No, really.
One second I'm sobbing and asking God for one more chance and literally the next second, BOOM! Answer.
Life works funny sometimes, don't it?
But for us, it was never sometimes. It was all the time.
For the past two years, I've been annoying God for one more chance and getting it. But why? It's never happened before. One minute, I was telling Him that I didn't want to be lonely anymore and the next I'm talking to the guy who would become the best friend I've ever had. How does that happen? It's amazing...and scary.
Do I really want to take the chance and fall for this guy?
Too late. He's awesome.
But I thought that about other guys, too. What makes this one so different?
I'll tell you.
I didn't pick him. All the other guys I liked because I chose to like them. I didn't choose to like this guy.
I just did.
I did from the moment I saw his awkward little quirks. I did from the moment he smiled randomly for no particular reason. I did from the moment he looked at me with those deep blue eyes.
I admit it. I'm smitten. Twitter-pated. Hook, line, and sinker. My face hurts from falling so fast.
But you know what, I'm willing to take the chance with him. Even though he told me we're too alike in personality to be anything more, I will stubbornly refuse to give up my hopes. Just like a girl.

Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over

Well, tomorrow is the day...
The day...that I finally deactivate my facebook account!
I know it doesn't seem that monumental, but trust me, after six years of wasting my time on it, it's pretty big to me. But something happened that seems even bigger to me.
I wrote a note explaining all the lovely reasons that I'm leaving, and in it, I included that I had seen a former classmate delete me as his "friend." I told them that it hurt. I wasn't lying either. Well, you know how it goes. Someone saw it and decided to raid my friends list to see who it was. They found out and (I'm assuming) gave them a tongue-lashing for being so mean to me. That was not what I wanted.
So, now I'm in a pickle.
The guy messages me, using the politest of speech, and tells me what happens. He told me that since we never talk and he never goes to my profile, he figured I'd never find out that he deleted me. Well, sir, there is one thing that you must know.
I ALWAYS FIND OUT.
I'm really not bitter about it. I completely understand. In fact, I think it's better this way. He was honest and apologized for the misunderstanding. And that was it. He's moving on with his life, and so am I. It's just sad for me to think that we're moving in different directions.
But that's how life goes sometimes, isn't it?
I knew that guy for all of my high school years. Those were hard times for me. I always felt like no one wanted to give me a chance at being somebody worth being around. My whole goal in life was to get people to like me. Every thought was consumed with it. I tried to be like someone they wanted to hang around and be with, but everything I did never seemed to be good enough. I was trying so hard for them. It sounds unselfish, but as I see it, those were the years when my life wholly circled around me. What I wanted them to think about me. But I couldn't do it. In the end, I lost myself and the possible close friends I could have had if I hadn't been trying so hard to be someone I'm not.
After graduation, I finally moved on...but not completely.
This is going to be the final step: completely shutting off anyone from my past who doesn't want to be part of my future.
It's not going to be easy. I'm gonna miss seeing what everyone's up to, following the drama that I am never personally involved in, secretly criticizing people who post pictures of themselves every day.
But you know what I'm not going to miss? Trying to think up "cool" statuses for people to like. Getting self-conscious about my pictures. Political and ethical debates. "Woe is me!" people who do nothing but get attention for beating up their self-respect.
All good things must come to an end. All bad things must come to an end QUICKER!

He looked as frightened as *I* was. I looked at him... and I saw myself.

My friend...he's amazing.
Actually, some people i know would more or less see him as a miracle. I guess i see him that way too.
It's funny how things seem to work out sometimes. There i was, sitting by myself, when lo and behold, here comes one of my guy friends!...with another guy friend. Honestly, i don't even think i cared much. I wasn't really impressed with what i saw. But something grabbed me about that guy, something i still can't put my finger on it. My only guess is the hand of God showing me that we were in the same boat. Both of us were just starting out in a new atmosphere, starting college, meeting hundreds of new people, scared. to. death. The funny thing is, after i met him these were pretty much my exact thoughts:
"Wow, he was a really nice guy. I'll probably never see him again though."
But, i did. We've hung out for about two/three years now. And what a rocky couple of years it has been. Rocky, but wonderful. I could never ask for a better friend.
The miracle part is simply the fact that he's a guy. (Well, with that pronoun, what else could he be?) Let's just say, a lot of people who knew me had no faith that i would ever get the attention of any male ever. Guess they were wrong.
So now, I have a best friend who is supportive, encouraging, passionate, endearing, humorous, sensitive, and thoughtful. (also paranoid. IT'S PARANNOYING!!!). We both have our flaws, but somehow we always manage to get through the little rough spots. We always do it by coming to a mutual understanding. We're not perfect; we're still working on some issues that come up every now and then.
I only have two years left to see him. Every time i think about it now, i cry. I really don't want to lose my friendship with him, but some things are just out of my control. I have vowed that i will not push a relationship with him, i will not criticize everything he does, i will not look down on him for his mistakes. i will cherish every second i have left with the most wonderful, amazing guy i know. I love him...as a friend.
If you have a friend like mine, please don't underestimate their influence on your life. My life is so much more than i could've ever imagined with him as my friend. I hope and pray we stay friends forever. Cherish every second you have with your friends, because you never know how long you'll have with them. Tomorrow's never guaranteed, but the time you have now is. Take advantage of it.

What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others

So, i watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics last night. I must say, i was greatly impressed with the whole ordeal. There's nothing like watching the nations parade their pride of their own people. Needless to say, i shed a few tears during these touching moments. It was amazing to see everyone in the parade proudly waving their nations' flags, waving to the people of the world, (videoing the whole thing with phones & cameras haha). That's what i like to see. At that moment, it wasn't a competition; it was a celebration. A celebration of how far these people have come to showcase their best and be awarded if they do it. The Olympic flag was raised, the Olympic song was played, and the whole world felt hope that maybe their country would rise and shine like the sun. Lighting the Olympic torch was pretty amazing, though. The symbolism was great. The rise of future Olympians, and the legacy of the older ones. It makes you think, you know? What are we leaving for future generations? Not in the sense of national debt or political letdown, but in the sense of our hearts. Are we showing our children that they can stand when everyone else goes with the flow? Are we showing them how to roll with the punches and turn the cheek...or are we showing them that revenge is the best way? Are we teaching them to be respectful to others and give consideration to when other people have differing opinions...or are we teaching them to mock and scoff others who disagree and that division in a home, a church, a nation is normal and even preferred? Are we teaching them to fight for what they love...or just how to fight? Our legacy is the most important thing that we leave behind. What will it teach the future generations? That they have the ability to rise above anything we could ever imagine...or that it's easier to just stay in the same comfort zone, because it doesn't require as much work?

the mind is everything. what you think you become.

It never ceases. I always end up making a total fool of myself everywhere i go.
Tonight was, unfortunately, one of those times....one of those horrible, horrible time.
You see, i was with a group of my high school classmates at a restaurant. As we were about to leave, i decide it would be easier to just go UNDER the table instead of going AROUND where i was entrapped in the middle of a large booth. BIG mistake. My derriere was about 2 inches to big to manage myself under the table. i only ended up shaking a few glasses, but as i stood i saw the whole restaurant staring me down. Yes, people, i know how to read facial expressions. WHY in heaven's name would i do something like that? it actually has a fairly simple answer. I wanted them to see that I'm not a dorky little girl anymore. I can be daring and adventurous just like the best of them.
In high school, all i wanted to do was be accepted by them, for them to treat me like i actually belonged there. So i changed into someone sad and ugly, to the point where i pretty much forgot who i was to begin with. When i started college though, the overwhelming number of people to please and change for increased drastically. it was impossible. i was forced to be...myself. Now, i wouldn't trade lives with anyone else in the world. I like me, not in some narcissistic egotistical way, but i really don't see any need to change myself for someone. I've come to be accepted by possibly the one person i needed to get accepted by...me. I always felt that they thought i was stupid and ugly, but in reality, it was really me who was thinking that. When you think you're stupid and ugly, chances are, you will become stupid and ugly solely based on what's going on in your noggin.
Ah yes, the mind is a powerful thing. But luckily, it's your mind and your choice.
How did i come to the conclusion that going under a table would impress them?
I didn't. i knew it probably wouldn't, but i wanted to show them that i have indeed changed. That i don't think about myself the way i used to. That i actually found the confidence to make a fool of myself and walk away with my head held high (and my heart in my stomach). I'm so happy that i don't have to please anyone anymore. I only hope that whoever reads this realizes the same thing. Being yourself is more important than being accepted by those whose opinion will change every week or so. You can please some people some of the time, but you can't please everyone all of the time. So why try? There's bound to be someone out there who will never accept you as you are. So why try? If you don't accept yourself, you can change. No one else can change you for you. It's your choice, so choose.

love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction

Girls, girls, girls.....
What can i say? we're temperamental, emotional, and completely confusing at times.
However, there is one quality that we seem to have mastered perfectly: desperate.
Seriously, i've grown quite tired of the "I'm single!!!! I'M SO ALONE I NEED A BOYFRIEND HE WILL MAKE EVERYTHING PERFECT!!!!!!" mentality.
Girls! don't you realize that one man cannot solve your every teeny tiny little problem? Don't you realize that he will have problems too? That most likely he might not be able to solve them for you? Listen, i'm gonna tell it to you straight. A real relationship will center around helping each other with each other's problems. Working as a team, not a one-sided effort, to figure out the best way to handle something. The main concern you should have for wanting a relationship should not be what he can do for you, but what you can do for him and what you two can do together. Chances are, the problems you think you have, can be solved by yourself.
Oh, what's that? You're lonely?
So am I.
But i'm not going around boohoo-ing about it. I've come to a point where i realize that being single isn't something i can control. I don't see myself as a lonely little speck in the world who's destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I've accepted it as a long-distance relationship...my husband is simply living in the future.
"But i'm so lonely now, i can hardly bear it!!!!!"
Do you really want the quickie answer, dear? Because chances are, if you get it quick, you'll lose it just as quickly.
Oh, and about all those woe-is-me statuses and photos you share all over the place?
Let me spell it out for you: D.E.S.P.E.R.A.T.I.O.N.
It doesn't make me feel sorry for you. It doesn't make anyone think more highly of you. It's unattractive, and last thing i heard, guys weren't drawn to unattractive things. Do you really think your dream man is gonna see that crap and think "Wow, she's so awesome. I'm gonna ask her out and end her pain" ?
Answer: NO.
Most likely, he'll be like "Wow, she seems really needy. I don't even want to imagine what she'd be like as a girlfriend."
Ladies, please...just be yourself. Be happy with who you are (without a man). Don't change. Wait for the good things, and they will come.

everyone can dream big, but not everyone has big dreams.

So...this seems to be my latest endeavor. Managing a blog that most likely no one will ever read. Hey, i can dream though. Maybe it will become the most popular blog ever!...or maybe i'll quit it in a couple of weeks. I guess we'll all find out.(or, atleast i will :P) just so you know, this error bar is driving me crazy. many things drive me crazy. mannny things. like people...and commercials...and people...and slow computers...and politicians. You should be thankful i'm so tolerant ;). Should i use emoticons? Depends...is this a formal blog or a casual blog? I would guess it's more of a, let's say, "me" blog. The more i write, the more you'll see it. I guess the purpose of this blog right now is for me to write out all the things i've learned in the past two years. Most of what i've learned is in the title. so, in saying, i will answer the following question with the following posts i shall write:

What is real love?