When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

The following is a summary of what's happened lately:
CRAP DANGIT WHAT THE HECK
I've watched this one guy's videos on YouTube for about a year now. It was my first Christmas without my grandpa and they were pretty amusing videos. They made me laugh and that was what I needed at the time. I don't know why I was so curious about him but I decided to look him up on Facebook and in doing so discovered he had a blog. Turns out, he and I share common disappointments. I decided to message him and try to encourage a little bit of hope. 
We conversed for a little bit before turning the conversation to our hopeless love lives.
Two words: GOSH DARNIT.
I ended up sobbing at 3 AM, feeling pain for not only me, but for him too.
Oh geez.
Needless to say, my life is now filled with meaningless interjections.
So I've been thinking about it all day, rolling our situations over in my head. He lost a sweet girl that means the world to him. I let go of the guy I loved so much and that meant the world to me. 
And we've both basically given up on happiness.
I listened to my epic Thomas Bergersen music and tossed and turned until all hours of the night before finally passing out around 6 AM. The black hole I had covered up began sucking any joy and hope I had built up. I just couldn't get our hopelessness out of my mind.
Today, I made the decision that while sometimes it's good to give up, not this time. I was so close once. Maybe I can do it again. After all, I didn't "get him" with makeup or stilettos. I was just being myself, my out-of-the-ordinary but strangely unique self.
There's nothing wrong with me. I am perfectly content with who I am. I have a pretty solid self-image.
I just have a hard time believing that the type of guy who could truly love me exists.
I mean, I'm not exactly cut and paste. A living contradiction to myself, as I've put it before.
I may lose hope, but that doesn't mean I'm hopeless. 
Let's face it, all of us have doubts about whether we'll ever find love that lasts. The people who should be most afraid are those who are extra uber-confident that they'll get married. 
Because as I've learned, nothing ever happens exactly as planned. EVER.
The future is unpredictable. Who knows what may surprise you. A day could make all the difference in the world.
So now, I'm holding out for that one day. Hope renewed.

...........
You know, it's kinda creepy the way I bounce back so quickly sometimes....

There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right

I simply cannot believe it took me this long to figure this out!!
I have finally solved the problem of every conflict in this world!....well, exaggeratingly so, but still this revelation can duly be dubbed a "doozy."
(Remind me to make a list of words to never, never use again...)
Anyway, on to my revelation.
The problem is not that everyone has different opinions or personalities or religions.
We all have different consciences!!
There is NO universal conscience!
Everyone feels differently about different acts. That's why some people are so horrified to hear of a gruesome murderer who acts as if he doesn't even care what he did. That's why some people agree with certain lifestyles and some don't. That why some people have hearts of stone while others have hearts of Jell-O. 
It's why I don't feel badly about not doing something that no one told me to do and my family gets upset with me because I didn't do it.
Our consciences are like our fingerprints. Each one is different from the others. Some may be similar to each others, but even for identical twins they're not the same. It's probably why there are so many stout followers in so many different religions. They each believe as strongly as the other even though they believe vastly different doctrines.
That's why there are such opposing forces in matters like abortion and homosexuality.
My conscience tells me one things about them; your conscience may tell you something completely different.
Does that mean that one is right and one is wrong? Not exactly.
Neither are right and neither are wrong!
In the matter of our human consciences, there is no right or wrong!
So does that mean we can do whatever we want?
Did I say that? You may get that, but that idea is totally wrong-o.
That's what laws are for. That's what the Bible and other texts are for. 
They exist away from our human conscience to give order to our world. If there was no ruling "conscience," the world would be in disastrous chaos. Everyone would be clashing, leading to bloodshed and widespread panic.
So consider all this before becoming angry at "haters." Because just disagreeing with someone does not mean that they hate you for no reason (which is what real, honest to goodness hate really is). It means their conscience is wired differently than yours. 
In other words...
Your standards are lax in ways where their standards are strict.
Your standards also may be strict in ways where their standards are lax.
It may not even be their fault. 
It's just they way they were born and they way they are.
Get it?
Got it?
Oh, boy....

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune. Sometimes knowing when to give up is the real test of character.

I've been doing a lot of giving up lately.
I've given up on not one, but two men.
I've given up on getting better with my anxiety.
I've given up on finding love and companionship.
And I've almost given up on this blog.
Why?
Because I see no results.
One guy left me feeling like i was on a merry-go-round: going around in circles with no forward movement.
One guy just left: he wasn't interested anymore.
My anxiety? Dreadfully worse.
Love? How can i find it if i can't even manage going outside of my home?
I get about 3-10 views per week here. Most of them are from Russia...and i don't speak Russian...
I just feel like giving up on life and living the rest of it here in front of my computer playing medieval strategy games.
I had such high hopes for everything, but in the end, i was just let down again and again.
I feel like i'm hanging off the edge of a cliff, reaching out to anyone who would just reach down and help me back up. Instead, they stand there and watch me struggle for a foothold.
Doesn't anyone care?
Maybe this is good for me. Maybe i just need to find new things to focus on and move past the things that hurt me. Giving up isn't always a bad thing. It's bad only when there's so much more you can do. 
However, sometimes life gives us brick walls to faceplant into again and again until we wise up and learn to go a different direction.