When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

The following is a summary of what's happened lately:
CRAP DANGIT WHAT THE HECK
I've watched this one guy's videos on YouTube for about a year now. It was my first Christmas without my grandpa and they were pretty amusing videos. They made me laugh and that was what I needed at the time. I don't know why I was so curious about him but I decided to look him up on Facebook and in doing so discovered he had a blog. Turns out, he and I share common disappointments. I decided to message him and try to encourage a little bit of hope. 
We conversed for a little bit before turning the conversation to our hopeless love lives.
Two words: GOSH DARNIT.
I ended up sobbing at 3 AM, feeling pain for not only me, but for him too.
Oh geez.
Needless to say, my life is now filled with meaningless interjections.
So I've been thinking about it all day, rolling our situations over in my head. He lost a sweet girl that means the world to him. I let go of the guy I loved so much and that meant the world to me. 
And we've both basically given up on happiness.
I listened to my epic Thomas Bergersen music and tossed and turned until all hours of the night before finally passing out around 6 AM. The black hole I had covered up began sucking any joy and hope I had built up. I just couldn't get our hopelessness out of my mind.
Today, I made the decision that while sometimes it's good to give up, not this time. I was so close once. Maybe I can do it again. After all, I didn't "get him" with makeup or stilettos. I was just being myself, my out-of-the-ordinary but strangely unique self.
There's nothing wrong with me. I am perfectly content with who I am. I have a pretty solid self-image.
I just have a hard time believing that the type of guy who could truly love me exists.
I mean, I'm not exactly cut and paste. A living contradiction to myself, as I've put it before.
I may lose hope, but that doesn't mean I'm hopeless. 
Let's face it, all of us have doubts about whether we'll ever find love that lasts. The people who should be most afraid are those who are extra uber-confident that they'll get married. 
Because as I've learned, nothing ever happens exactly as planned. EVER.
The future is unpredictable. Who knows what may surprise you. A day could make all the difference in the world.
So now, I'm holding out for that one day. Hope renewed.

...........
You know, it's kinda creepy the way I bounce back so quickly sometimes....

There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right

I simply cannot believe it took me this long to figure this out!!
I have finally solved the problem of every conflict in this world!....well, exaggeratingly so, but still this revelation can duly be dubbed a "doozy."
(Remind me to make a list of words to never, never use again...)
Anyway, on to my revelation.
The problem is not that everyone has different opinions or personalities or religions.
We all have different consciences!!
There is NO universal conscience!
Everyone feels differently about different acts. That's why some people are so horrified to hear of a gruesome murderer who acts as if he doesn't even care what he did. That's why some people agree with certain lifestyles and some don't. That why some people have hearts of stone while others have hearts of Jell-O. 
It's why I don't feel badly about not doing something that no one told me to do and my family gets upset with me because I didn't do it.
Our consciences are like our fingerprints. Each one is different from the others. Some may be similar to each others, but even for identical twins they're not the same. It's probably why there are so many stout followers in so many different religions. They each believe as strongly as the other even though they believe vastly different doctrines.
That's why there are such opposing forces in matters like abortion and homosexuality.
My conscience tells me one things about them; your conscience may tell you something completely different.
Does that mean that one is right and one is wrong? Not exactly.
Neither are right and neither are wrong!
In the matter of our human consciences, there is no right or wrong!
So does that mean we can do whatever we want?
Did I say that? You may get that, but that idea is totally wrong-o.
That's what laws are for. That's what the Bible and other texts are for. 
They exist away from our human conscience to give order to our world. If there was no ruling "conscience," the world would be in disastrous chaos. Everyone would be clashing, leading to bloodshed and widespread panic.
So consider all this before becoming angry at "haters." Because just disagreeing with someone does not mean that they hate you for no reason (which is what real, honest to goodness hate really is). It means their conscience is wired differently than yours. 
In other words...
Your standards are lax in ways where their standards are strict.
Your standards also may be strict in ways where their standards are lax.
It may not even be their fault. 
It's just they way they were born and they way they are.
Get it?
Got it?
Oh, boy....

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune. Sometimes knowing when to give up is the real test of character.

I've been doing a lot of giving up lately.
I've given up on not one, but two men.
I've given up on getting better with my anxiety.
I've given up on finding love and companionship.
And I've almost given up on this blog.
Why?
Because I see no results.
One guy left me feeling like i was on a merry-go-round: going around in circles with no forward movement.
One guy just left: he wasn't interested anymore.
My anxiety? Dreadfully worse.
Love? How can i find it if i can't even manage going outside of my home?
I get about 3-10 views per week here. Most of them are from Russia...and i don't speak Russian...
I just feel like giving up on life and living the rest of it here in front of my computer playing medieval strategy games.
I had such high hopes for everything, but in the end, i was just let down again and again.
I feel like i'm hanging off the edge of a cliff, reaching out to anyone who would just reach down and help me back up. Instead, they stand there and watch me struggle for a foothold.
Doesn't anyone care?
Maybe this is good for me. Maybe i just need to find new things to focus on and move past the things that hurt me. Giving up isn't always a bad thing. It's bad only when there's so much more you can do. 
However, sometimes life gives us brick walls to faceplant into again and again until we wise up and learn to go a different direction.

Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.

Ask me a question!

I'd love to hear from anyone out there.

http://ask.fm/firestrong  <-- Submit it here por favor

Love and joy to all!

~Lydia S.

It is with our passions as it is with fire and water; they are good servants, but bad masters.

I am a Doctor Who fan...
Along with half of the world and the Queen of England.
Actually, comparing myself to other fans, I'm more of a Doctor Who viewer. Seriously, some of these fans are...weird. However, this is nothing new. We see it all the time with movies and books and whatever. First it's Harry Potter, then it's Twilight, then it's Hunger Games, and then it will be something else next year. What doesn't change, however, is how incredibly fanatic their viewers get. Enough so to earn them nicknames such as Potterheads, Twihards, and Whovians---all of which are not recognized by spell check as normal words. 
It's crazy how people's entire world can be so focused on something or someone who doesn't even exist. They lose sight of the fact that what they are going on and on and on about is composed of one person's ideas, actors, and impressive cinematography. It's like they've dropped down the rabbit hole to Neverland where no one ever grows up!
They call it "escaping the world."
I call it "denial of reality."
Not always a bad thing...unless you choose to live there.
Which many, many more people than necessary seem to do.
Last time I looked/heard, the word fanatic didn't always mean something good.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to having the occasional t-shirt, small trinkets, or casually mentioning a show/movie that you like.
I am opposed to an entire wardrobe dedicated to it, every piece of memorabilia that you can afford, and talking endlessly about it and actively pushing others to not just watch but enjoy the show as much as you do.
To me, that life sounds kind of...sad really.
It's like, look at all you're missing out on! The things that you can see and hear and feel in front of you! Panoramas that take your breath away and make your heart race. Having that kind of great time with friends that makes you forget all the bad things in your life. Enjoying a brief moment of silence after a long day. (Actually speaking about something worthwhile without people giving you that "okayyy..." look)
These movies and TV shows can add nothing to the quality of your life, but you can.
Someone who is an ardent fan is called a fanatic; someone who is obsessed with something is also called a fanatic...or a maniac.
Think about that.
But to be frankly honest...I kinda want a sonic screwdriver. :)

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward

I told a man I loved him.
He did not say the same.
There were no accusations,
No passing off of blame.

Despite his faults and failures,
Despite his secret sin,
I promised to be with him,
And love what was within.

I shed no tears of sorrow,
Of bitterness, or pain.
I wept for his condition:
The strength he can’t sustain.

His shame he keeps in secret,
And there his shame shall stay,
Until he learns to let God work
And take this weight away

I told him of our friendship
And spoke of yesterdays;
Of how our hearts were broken
And fractured different ways.

His words had cut me deeply.
I’d turned away and fled.
Confusion welled within me,
And my bruised heart had bled.

“Enough” I should have told him
A long, long time ago.
If I was a good friend to him,
Right now, it didn’t show.

I mustered up my courage.
I said “We need to talk.”
My legs, they shook so badly
That I could barely walk.

His shoulders stooped from weariness.
I saw his countenance fall.
It hurt to see how sad he was
When our friendship hit the wall.

I watched him walk away that night
Not knowing what to do,
Thoughts weighing heavy on his heart
And tearing it in two.

I told him that I loved him,
And it’s still true today.
He’s always been my closest friend
And will remain always.

(Written by ~yours truly)

When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose

"Make up your mind."

It's something we say/hear everyday, but don't really think about what it means.

"Make up"? We make up stories. We make up lies. Why should we make up decisions like that?

"Your mind" Yeah, because the mind is the most sane and reliable thing we possess. Ha!

Maybe that's why it's so hard to do sometimes.

My friend has been going on for a while now about whether or not he's going to "branch out" as he puts it. I don't think joining one different person for one time in two months is exactly what he had in mind. I thought I'd actually be nice and not possessive this time and suggest someone for him to hang out with.

Heavens, no!

That friend has too many friends! He can't possibly spend time with him! 

Ok...So, I told him he was perfectly welcome to join me whenever he needed, no strings attached.

No, no, no. That's no good either.

He wants to spend more time with GUY friends. That doesn't count me, seeing as I'm obviously not a guy. It was so nice to have my attempted kind gesture thrown into my face. More like, punched into my face.

So, today I asked if it was acceptable to go to lunch with him and his friend (who's a girl).

Of course! Why wouldn't we want you to come?

"Well, you said you wanted to spend more time with guy friends."

"Right now, I'd rather be with people I know."

WHAT. IN. THE. WORLD!!

He's flip-flopping more than politicians a week before the polls open!

I'd think he'd get dizzy from looking around at all these decisions he's making about the same thing. He can't seem to, well, make up his mind about what he's going to do. He wants to leave his group of friends, he wants to get closer to other people, but he doesn't want to be with the people he knows or the people he doesn't know. It's irritating, and I can't even imagine how irritating it must be for him.

It'd be like standing on those merry-go-rounds on the playground that we used to run around and hop onto. 

Faltering on a decision hurts. It hurts not only the person who is making the decision, but also those that will be affected by it. Waiting is the worst part. I've never been one to dwell in the unknown for a long period of time. Hmmm, one school year...that's pretty long I would say. So many months of just waiting for him to make up his mind and just DO something.

Please, for the sake of those around you, don't keep them wondering about what you're going to do if it affects them. The emotions you feel are overwhelming and they seep into those closest to you. 

The hunger to belong is not merely a desire to be attached to something. It is rather sensing that great transformation and discovery become possible when belonging is sheltered and true.

It is a universal truth that everyone, everywhere has a need to feel belonging. Somewhere that they feel safe and wanted. Somewhere they can run to and find comfort and acceptance for who they really are. This need drives some to extremes, none of which end with the coveted "happily ever after." To belong somewhere is to be somebody.
In the words of Dean Martin, "You're nobody 'till somebody loves you."
I feel like nobody right now.
I know I have a loving family, but they are many thousands of miles away right now. I'm in a quiet place at school surrounded by dozens of people, and I still feel thousands of miles away. Even my best friend is feeling distant these days.
I don't know. I've felt like this often. Making observances about other people's lives unfortunately leads me to realize how much of a full life I'm missing out on. It's not fair. I feel like I don't even have a chance.
I'm definitely not going to say I'm the only one who feels this way or that this feeling is so much worse than everyone else who feels the same way. It's just I get a little frustrated sometimes.
Sitting at a dinner table feeling completely out of place. Walking places and not seeing even one kind, familiar face. Going a whole day only saying an average of two sentences. It's like living in the Twilight Zone. I know...this is the episode where someone gets dropped off on a distant planet just like this one, but he knows no one and no one knows him. That must be it...
It's strange. I'm in a place surrounded by people who share the same interests, the same faith, the same living quarters, the same buildings, the same eating places, the same everything. Yet, I still feel like there's no one I can relate to right now. Like a square in the midst of a bunch of circles. The black dot on a white board. That one neon letter that's always blown out on a store sign. People look at it, notice it's different, then move on and forget it.
Small talk is a great way to get to know someone, but it's also the best way to make someone feel out of place. If you ever see someone who looks a little uncomfortable, don't you dare ask them "how they are" or "how was your day." You will always, ALWAYS get the answers "good" and "fine." Ask them something off the wall. Just whatever comes to mind. Favorite color, vacation memories, favorite subject to study, something other than the mundane.
Because the start of feeling like you belong somewhere begins with that feeling when someone shows natural interest in what you think/believe/feel, etc.
The beginning of belonging is feeling special.

The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.

Have you ever had one of those times in your life where you were left saying, "Ok, what's the catch?"
My anxiety is completely controlled, my semester is starting out pretty good, classes seem bearable, my relationship with my best friend is flourishing nicely...what else could go, well...right?
It's kinda scaring me right now though. I'm not sure if this "goodness" is going to last or whether I'm just sitting at the edge with my feet dangling off of the deep end.
I mean, come on. This is MY life we're talking about! Stuff like this just doesn't happen to me. A good day or two, yes, but not like this.
In other words, I'm back after taking a rather lengthy vacation of sorts from the blogging world.
What can I say? Being a college student, one learns to prioritize and passing classes outweighed rambling off to no one. At least that's what I thought before checking my stats today.
Four hundred eighty viewings on one post alone. WHAT? Someone or someones are actually reading my stuff? I have no idea but I'm curious as to how many of them were legitimate people.
Anyway, I really am speaking on my breath of fresh air in my life right now. It's January and 70 degrees outside. Yes, you heard me. It feels oh so much like spring! The refreshing breeze is utterly rejuvenating  and the trees are budding with those pretty pink blossoms. The only thing that's put a damper on my life lately was sleeping in too late one day and being 5 minutes late to the college chapel. I was totally devastated, if you could imagine...
So disappointing...
My Christmas vacation went great. I got a guitar for my birthday and got pretty far into teaching myself. Had a great time with family. My mother only aggravated me few times less than normal.
Like I said, life's pretty good right now. But that doesn't mean I'm cowering in fear waiting for the hammer to fall. Concerned, yes; terrified, not so much.
If you ever had or have one of these times in your lives, don't waste it. Take advantage of it! Whether it last a few days or a few years, if you're suspicious about karma or whatever the whole time, it just ruins it.
Enjoy the little moments of joy you experience when you have them. Flowers will wilt over time, so enjoy them while they are still fresh and beautiful.