The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.

It has been brought to my attention that what I write on here is reminiscent of a teenager's emotional ramblings. 

My response to that?

Yeah, it's true. I won't deny it.

But not this time!

Happy things, yay!

My life has changed so much since the last post. Hell, I don't even know where to start.

Eh, I'll start with something boring and then get to the best part

My family now knows that I am agnostic and have no desire to go to church anymore. They haven't quite understood yet. They still think that I think I need to be in church. When I told them that I really wasn't sure about the whole existence of a God thing, their response was "Do you read the Bible and pray every day? No? Well, there's your problem!!" 

No, my problem is that I used to do that. You know what happened?

Nothing.

Nada.

Emptiness. 

I never felt true peace or happiness when claiming to be Christian. I only did it to avoid confrontation. I was living a lie to save my own hide. Not anymore though. Do you know how refreshing it is to actually have a choice? Or be able to finally say "No thank you" when almost being ordered to go? Yes, it's driven a bit of a rift between me and my parents, but it's helping me be more independent, more free to think for myself and make my own decisions. All I need is this dang license, a job, and a place to stay and I'll actually finally have a life of my own. A life where I can pursue happiness away from stuffy old hymns and traditions that don't make sense. Let me tell you something. My mom looked me straight in the face and told me that I should wear makeup to church so that I can fully worship god. OH PLEASE. I had such a hard time not busting out laughing at that bunch of bull! I'm surprised she didn't tell me to start wearing my formal dresses and have my hair professionally styled before each service. Can you imagine how weird I would be if I actually believed her on that?

"Oh yes! I wear makeup to please God!"

*Shudders violently* 

I can summarize the whole ordeal in one simple word: UGH

Next: Driving

I'm actually a pretty decent driver. I'm pretty sure I could pass the driver's test when I take it. The instructors were impressed with how well I picked up on maneuverability. I'm gonna drive everywhere, even to Canada ;)

And now for the best.

I have the most wonderful, most amazing partner. He has made me so so so happy I can't even explain. We have something meaningful, and I know that this will work. I want nothing more right now than to be by his side, making stupid jokes and watching Whose Line and just enjoying the simple things in life. Unfortunately, there's a bit of a distance/international border issue. I suppose I should be thankful that we're not an ocean apart, but still...waiting just to see each other in person for the first time is awful...but I know it will be something that I will always remember. You can never forget something this wonderful. Of course, this is all new and exciting for me. It's almost surreal. I thought I'd never find someone with the same spirit. Someone who could like me for my quirkiness and random stupid stuff. I know he'll read this haha! My dear, you are my rock. You have changed my life so much for the better. Words cannot describe how much I like you and how amazing I think you are. You deserve all the best that life can give, and I can only hope to make you as happy as you make me (and more). I see so very much in you that I've been looking for. I wouldn't change one thing about you (except for your location right now). 

My life is definitely looking up, and I look forward to seeing what the future holds.

I was gonna say "how high life will take me" but that's not...no. Drugs are bad, kids.

But life is beautiful.

P.S. Oh baby

Who knows what true loneliness is - not the conventional word but the naked terror? To the lonely themselves it wears a mask. The most miserable outcast hugs some memory or some illusion.

Today.
Why didn't I think of it yesterday.

Imagine love/relationships/whatever as a store. 
Some people don't care what's in the store.
Some people go in and out as they please.
Some people can't get in or keep getting shut out.

I'm the one that keeps getting shut out (for the most part)

But yesterday, someone opened the blinds and let me look in. 

I knew it wasn't serious and I highly doubt it will ever be.
I know what you're probably thinking I did, and no. That's not it. Ha.
I didn't have hesitations then, and I don't regret it now. Hell, I enjoyed it. (It's still not what you're probably thinking of. shame on you)
All my life, I've been told that what it was was awful. It wasn't.
But, god, I feel awful now.
I feel so alone.
So unwanted.
Never good enough.
Like I'll never be able to get out of this goddamn house.
I'll never escape this rut that I'm in.
I'll never see the inside of the store again.

I felt so pretty. I felt wanted. I felt hope. I felt...pretty damn confident.

But now the blinds are closed again and probably won't open any time soon. 
I'm probably making too big a deal out of this, but I just can't shake this emptiness, this loneliness.
Love is a cruel thing, but you can't help but love it when you're holding it in your hands.

I'm so scared that I'll feel like this for the rest of my life. I know I'm "young" (I'm almost 24) but I can't help but feel that there's no one who shares the same spirit. That I'll just always try and try but never find someone I can love so deeply and who will love me too. 

I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. There's probably millions of miserable people yearning to fill the silence and emptiness with something meaningful. Something that will last. Something that will shed even the smallest bit of light on the darkness in our minds. The darkness that has driven out contentment. The darkness that lies to us. 

I want to know what it's like to wrap my arms around someone. Feel the strength in them. Feel their breath on my neck. Feel their heartbeat. Just feel their presence.
Someone I can whisper to
Don't let me go.
And he'll reply with "Never." even if he doesn't say it out loud.

Today.
Today I'm looking at the blinds again. Jolting with hope and adrenaline every time my phone buzzes.
I'm pathetic, I know. You know.
But that probably means you've been in the "store."
How can you know?
How could I have known.

The only thing complaining does is to convince other people you are not in control and that you let less than positive circumstances control your mood and outlook.

I feel like the last few years of posts have just been me complaining about stuff (especially my outburst that was the entirety of the last post). I don't want people to see me as someone who does nothing but look at circumstances and only focus on negative things. I never intended my "dumb blog thing" to just be me venting and airing out my disappointments.
I have so much to be thankful for in the life that I have.
I don't have to be afraid of living at home. My family doesn't beat me. There are many people who still live with their parents and are still looking for a job they won't be miserable in. I don't have to pay rent, just help with the upkeep of the house.
I don't have to live completely alone. I have friends and acquaintances online who help me laugh and broaden my mind. If I'm feeling lonely, all I have to do is ask for help and chances are someone will be there. 
I have a cat who will (sometimes) sit on my lap and be silly. 
Sure, I'm single but it's better than being in a relationship that's going nowhere. I'm not obligated to divide my attention. Not to be mean, but I've seen some pretty weird people get into relationships so I know that there's still hope for me.
(...did I just say I was weird? I didn't mean it that way! I don't think I'm weird, I just worry too much about coming across as super weird) 
I don't live in a place where I have to be afraid of the government or terrorism or bears. 
I have a functioning mind and body.
I have access to clothing, food, and medicine.

I'm sure some people would scoff and call me a "privileged white girl."
I mean, maybe? I don't know. I think their version of "privileged" is more like how you take advantage of the circumstances you're in. If I lived somewhere else, would I be less privileged? Probably.
But the thing is, I can't control the circumstances concerning the life I've been given. Nobody can. That's life. People get so angry at other people for things those people don't even have a choice in. I didn't choose my skin color or my parents' annual income or the country I was born into. 
I can choose how I view the life I have though, and I'm afraid it appears I've chosen pretty poorly lately. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm an asshole or an obnoxious bleeding heart or something. Just someone who compares her life to others too much and feels her life is riddled with holes where she think happiness would be...if she had the life they had.

Comparing your life to others' lives is a sure-fire way to get depressed quickly. It makes you angry at people who have done nothing wrong to you. It makes you angry at yourself for not being someone like them. It just makes you angry and sad and discouraged when you really don't need to be. It's something you can't control. You can't switch lives with them, but you can find contentment in the life you have...even if it's just a little bit. There's always something to be thankful for, even if it's the stupidest thing in the world. 
I know I've said hope is stupid, but the object of that hope isn't always.


I know some people who kind of know me have read at least a few posts. Thanks for taking the time to look at my scribbles haha! Even though none of you leave feedback....*cough*
It's ok. I appreciate you taking time to check it out. :)

Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.

I'm so angry right now, and I have no one to talk to about it so you random (or not so random) reader gets the unfortunate brunt of me letting out my frustrations.
There's so much going on for me right now. I just want to throw something at the wall but i'll settle for sighing extra hard for the time being.

I'm angry at people because they abandon me and they DON'T LISTEN TO ME. They treat me like some idiot kid when I just want to be taken seriously (which I realize can be really hard since I make a plethora of dumb jokes). They twist my words around to dump guilt on me, then put on melodramatics when that doesn't work. They expect me to do things, but I don't even know how to do them. Lazy ass, needy, demeaning, GAHH! 
I'm not a status! 
I'm not an idiot! 
I'm a human with emotions godammit! 

I'm angry at my family because they expect a lot from me and yet hardly anything at the same time. They expect me to go on an expensive vacation and pay for my share. I have no choice! I have to go! They can't just leave me at home by myself since I can't legally drive by myself. So now i'm going on a vacation that'll leave me indebted by about $1300 to my family. I don't have a job or the means to get one at this time. AND THEY KNOW THAT. My mom told me the other day to save some money for souvenirs and stuff. Are you kidding me?? My share is supposedly $2000 and I only have about $700 right now. And the place is so cliche. I'd really rather go to Europe.

I'm angry because the country is going to hell. I mean, look at the presidential candidates. Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump? Is this a joke? Please, tell me this is a joke. I'd rather have Obama for another term than either of those two. I'm not kidding when I say I'm seriously considering moving to another country...like England or Ireland or New Zealand or literally anywhere. I wouldn't trust either of them to run the local Wendy's. Also, everyone's so concerned with being politically correct. I was watching a video of some guys playing cards against humanity and one of them was super concerned about being politically correct. IT'S CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY. It's supposed to be politically incorrect!! Super sensitive babies stuck with a junior high mentality the lot of us. 

I'm angry at me because of where my life is at right now. I don't like it at all but I don't really have the ambition to change it. I'm just tired of putting effort and energy into something that's just going to disappoint me. I'm angry at my childish hopes. God, why do I have to be so dumb sometimes? My life is so full of silence and I get so desperate to fill it with something, anything. I'm angry because I see people I know getting married and having kids and appearing happy and I just feel this metaphorical hole in me. Like "I could have that happiness if I was prettier, more sociable, etc." I always fuck up. I always have to make drama (even though I do my best to avoid it). I always have to try even if I know that it won't work, because of that damn "maybe this time..." I always tell myself. Hope is for idiots like me who don't know when to give up.

Does anyone empathize at all? Can someone at least try to care? 

The wisdom of bridges comes from the fact that they know the both sides, they know the both shores.

I've told one person and mentioned it to another.
Right now, I have two lives.
Think of it as two huge....tracts of land with a wide river in between. 
Both sides are part of the same area, but in order to connect both sides, there needs to be a bridge. 
The two lands will never truly be complete until that bridge is built.
So guess what? You get not one, but TWO stories! The two sides of my life right now that feels like it's tearing me in two. I'm the same person, same personality overall (I'm not a split personality freak), but each side hides something from the other.

Side one: 
The background me that's afraid of everything.
As long as I live with my parents, I go to church. (Please don't think I'm weird) I say hello and thank you, but mostly keep to myself. I'm shy, gullible, and a pushover. I'm always trying to impress people. I stammer a lot more than I'd like to admit, which means I'm terrified of meeting people face to face. I feel ugly and annoying a lot. I barely talk to anyone on this side anymore. Because of my christian background, I've had an intense pressure to be the perfect human being. They also like to make it feel like a girl is wasting her life if she isn't married and popping out babies every year or so. It makes me feel very afraid of living alone for the rest of my goddamn life. I'm afraid of looking people in the eye, afraid of getting close to someone on either side. If they knew what I had hidden on the other side, I would be hounded by people trying to "fix" me. I'M NOT FUCKING BROKEN. Once people realized I was the perfect "project" to bring back to the straight and narrow and see the "love of God" in my life, they would unknowingly heap a shit ton of pressure on my head until I eventually do break. This side is tired and just wants to let go of a place that has been nothing but disappointment and embarrassment with no hope of ever being worth anything. A bunch of wah wah depressing trapped feeling shit pretty much.

Side two:
The take chances, put yourself out there side.
I'm agnostic. I swear. I'm ok with doing stuff that the people I grew up with thought were horrible. I can't do them but I wish I could. This is my "internet side" that started with the blog actually. I needed somewhere to go where I could essentially start a new life. Where people might actually give me a chance to prove that I'm not weird, I'm not an idiot, and I'm actually worth associating with. I then bled into Twitter where I was able to follow my interests and communicate with people. I've opened my life to a whole new world of people. People that the world around me right now believe I should never associate with. I appreciate these people so much and it's made me a more supportive and encouraging person...to a fault I've found out. I'm afraid of them knowing my christian background because I want them to think I'm normal and that I don't want to force them do things they don't want to do. I want people to take me seriously. I want to leave good impressions. I want to be remembered for actually having a personality and wishes and dreams. For being able to pick myself up by my own power when I've hit rock bottom. I want to be able to touch the people who love me and who I love. I want to be able to brag about other people and be proud of them. I don't want to live the rest of my life out in fear. I don't want to be limited in my happiness. I don't want to be afraid of being lazy and playing skyrim and terraria and assassin's creed until 3 in the morning...for a whole year. Ha ha I now know how to say "go fuck yourself" in Italian. I wish Ezio and Desmond didn't look so similar. I wish people would care enough to ask me questions about myself. I want my real name back. 

I'm looking for a "bridge." Someone who has seen and lived on both sides. I'm looking for someone who knows me personally through school or whatever. Sorry, no people who don't know me in real life allowed. Someone who can stand up for me and have my back when I get pummeled with judgment from both sides. I know some people who are possibilities, but they're usually too solidly ground in on one side. Gah, I may have to settle for "surprise! This is me now! I was hiding this giant part of me all along!" So much unneeded stress. Speaking of stress, have you ever been rejected (understandably) and have to reject someone at the same fucking time?? 
I got an ulcer out of it. 
Not a very good trade, let me tell you...

Respect the emotion in someones heart rather than the expression on someones faces. Because expression is just formality but emotions are reality.

Updating once a year is good, right?
(I used to update like every day?? fuck that)
Yeah, I'm sorry to the whole -200 people who actually check up on here from time to time.

Today's topic: formality

I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of people who have known me for a while talking to me like I'm some frail old grandma. I can't decide if they just don't like me or if they're afraid of me.
FEAR NOT. I am no beast. I'm a really relaxed, easy-going person. (At least, I'd like to think so...)
You don't like me? Tough nuts.
I don't care if people I don't know don't like me. I do care when people who actually know me and have talked to me don't like me. That either means we are two completely different people OR there's something wrong that I need to fix.
I trust people to tell me the truth, and the truth is so easily hidden in formality. Like, I know you don't really talk like that. I want people to talk to me in text the same way that they would talk to me face to face. I actually feel more respected that way than when you "mind your p's and q's." It makes me feel like you can be comfortable around me and be yourself (NOT Mr. Darcy.) 
Don't like, let it ALL hang loose though. A little decency is much appreciated! 
It's all part of me wanting to feel like I'm actually normal. When people are so formal to me, it feels like I'm giving off a persona that is actually not me. THAT IS A BIG PROBLEM.
If you're trying to impress me, don't try. Just be yourself.
If you're a stranger writing to me about something, ok fine.
If you've talked/written to me several times and don't like me, don't let me know---just stop communicating.
If you've (ditto ditto ditto) and actually like me (not like like, just normal like), please please please talk to me as if you're talking in real life. I can't express that enough.
You may think you're respecting me or whatever, but you're actually kind of offending me.
I'm not weird, I swear.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

A long time ago, I used to be a Bible thumper.

A holy roller.

Podium pounder.

Jesus freak.

I'd better stop there while I'm ahead. I'm having too much fun for such a serious topic...

Anyway, if you haven't figured it out by now, I went to a christian school, christian college, and went to church my whole life. I got saved (became a Christian) when I was about 15 or 16 and still consider myself a christian today.

I always had a darkness that was inside me though. I held it back, put it away, never looked at it. If you don't acknowledge it's there, it'll go away on its own right?

...Right?

Wrong.

The dark side of my moon has grown. My younger, more innocent self would be ashamed of me to know who I am today. 

The me of today?

Well, honestly, I've accepted that part of me and am actually enjoying being able to explore the darker side of me.

It has its down sides though.

The emo-ish despair that I feel a lot is nothing to be proud of. The anger I feel sometimes may worry me, but as long as I can manage it, I'll be fine. 

I cuss now. That's right. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. It actually feels good to get it out of my system. However, if someone's around that would be offended by it, I watch my tongue. Doing otherwise would be a real jerkish thing to do. I would always swear in my head but thought that saying it out loud was the real sin. Then I figured, "You know what? what's the difference whether I say it in my head or out loud?" Words are just words unless you act on them. Who said that these words were "bad" words? I think the true reason that most people do not swear is because their parents told them they would get in trouble if they said them.

"OH NO not me!!! I don't say them because I'm a good Christian and don't want to disappoint God!!!!"

When have we NEVER disappointed God? Look at us! We're humans! We'll NEVER be perfect. We will ALWAYS disappoint perfection. It's part of our nature and something we cannot control. The darkness is in everyone who breathes air and feels emotions. The same darkness that I have let grown inside me is the same one that is inside you and everyone who walks the earth. The only difference is how well we acknowledge it.

I have acknowledged it and have monitored its growth. Can't have me becoming an ax murderer now, can I?

And yes....I got some of my inspiration from South Park.

So sue me.

Actually, don't....I'm broke.