Today.
Why didn't I think of it yesterday.
Imagine love/relationships/whatever as a store.
Some people don't care what's in the store.
Some people go in and out as they please.
Some people can't get in or keep getting shut out.
I'm the one that keeps getting shut out (for the most part)
But yesterday, someone opened the blinds and let me look in.
I knew it wasn't serious and I highly doubt it will ever be.
I know what you're probably thinking I did, and no. That's not it. Ha.
I didn't have hesitations then, and I don't regret it now. Hell, I enjoyed it. (It's still not what you're probably thinking of. shame on you)
All my life, I've been told that what it was was awful. It wasn't.
But, god, I feel awful now.
I feel so alone.
So unwanted.
Never good enough.
Like I'll never be able to get out of this goddamn house.
I'll never escape this rut that I'm in.
I'll never see the inside of the store again.
I felt so pretty. I felt wanted. I felt hope. I felt...pretty damn confident.
But now the blinds are closed again and probably won't open any time soon.
I'm probably making too big a deal out of this, but I just can't shake this emptiness, this loneliness.
Love is a cruel thing, but you can't help but love it when you're holding it in your hands.
I'm so scared that I'll feel like this for the rest of my life. I know I'm "young" (I'm almost 24) but I can't help but feel that there's no one who shares the same spirit. That I'll just always try and try but never find someone I can love so deeply and who will love me too.
I know I'm not the only one who feels like this. There's probably millions of miserable people yearning to fill the silence and emptiness with something meaningful. Something that will last. Something that will shed even the smallest bit of light on the darkness in our minds. The darkness that has driven out contentment. The darkness that lies to us.
I want to know what it's like to wrap my arms around someone. Feel the strength in them. Feel their breath on my neck. Feel their heartbeat. Just feel their presence.
Someone I can whisper to
Don't let me go.
And he'll reply with "Never." even if he doesn't say it out loud.
Today.
Today I'm looking at the blinds again. Jolting with hope and adrenaline every time my phone buzzes.
I'm pathetic, I know. You know.
But that probably means you've been in the "store."
How can you know?
How could I have known.
