I've told one person and mentioned it to another.
Right now, I have two lives.
Think of it as two huge....tracts of land with a wide river in between.
Both sides are part of the same area, but in order to connect both sides, there needs to be a bridge.
The two lands will never truly be complete until that bridge is built.
So guess what? You get not one, but TWO stories! The two sides of my life right now that feels like it's tearing me in two. I'm the same person, same personality overall (I'm not a split personality freak), but each side hides something from the other.
Side one:
The background me that's afraid of everything.
As long as I live with my parents, I go to church. (Please don't think I'm weird) I say hello and thank you, but mostly keep to myself. I'm shy, gullible, and a pushover. I'm always trying to impress people. I stammer a lot more than I'd like to admit, which means I'm terrified of meeting people face to face. I feel ugly and annoying a lot. I barely talk to anyone on this side anymore. Because of my christian background, I've had an intense pressure to be the perfect human being. They also like to make it feel like a girl is wasting her life if she isn't married and popping out babies every year or so. It makes me feel very afraid of living alone for the rest of my goddamn life. I'm afraid of looking people in the eye, afraid of getting close to someone on either side. If they knew what I had hidden on the other side, I would be hounded by people trying to "fix" me. I'M NOT FUCKING BROKEN. Once people realized I was the perfect "project" to bring back to the straight and narrow and see the "love of God" in my life, they would unknowingly heap a shit ton of pressure on my head until I eventually do break. This side is tired and just wants to let go of a place that has been nothing but disappointment and embarrassment with no hope of ever being worth anything. A bunch of wah wah depressing trapped feeling shit pretty much.
Side two:
The take chances, put yourself out there side.
I'm agnostic. I swear. I'm ok with doing stuff that the people I grew up with thought were horrible. I can't do them but I wish I could. This is my "internet side" that started with the blog actually. I needed somewhere to go where I could essentially start a new life. Where people might actually give me a chance to prove that I'm not weird, I'm not an idiot, and I'm actually worth associating with. I then bled into Twitter where I was able to follow my interests and communicate with people. I've opened my life to a whole new world of people. People that the world around me right now believe I should never associate with. I appreciate these people so much and it's made me a more supportive and encouraging person...to a fault I've found out. I'm afraid of them knowing my christian background because I want them to think I'm normal and that I don't want to force them do things they don't want to do. I want people to take me seriously. I want to leave good impressions. I want to be remembered for actually having a personality and wishes and dreams. For being able to pick myself up by my own power when I've hit rock bottom. I want to be able to touch the people who love me and who I love. I want to be able to brag about other people and be proud of them. I don't want to live the rest of my life out in fear. I don't want to be limited in my happiness. I don't want to be afraid of being lazy and playing skyrim and terraria and assassin's creed until 3 in the morning...for a whole year. Ha ha I now know how to say "go fuck yourself" in Italian. I wish Ezio and Desmond didn't look so similar. I wish people would care enough to ask me questions about myself. I want my real name back.
I'm looking for a "bridge." Someone who has seen and lived on both sides. I'm looking for someone who knows me personally through school or whatever. Sorry, no people who don't know me in real life allowed. Someone who can stand up for me and have my back when I get pummeled with judgment from both sides. I know some people who are possibilities, but they're usually too solidly ground in on one side. Gah, I may have to settle for "surprise! This is me now! I was hiding this giant part of me all along!" So much unneeded stress. Speaking of stress, have you ever been rejected (understandably) and have to reject someone at the same fucking time??
I got an ulcer out of it.
Not a very good trade, let me tell you...
