Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid

What's a girl to do?
No, seriously, what am I supposed to do with this boy?
Love him? Leave him?
I hadn't been feeling well this past weekend and spent most of my days in my bedroom reading books and playing mindless flash games. So much for the "student's life for me." I'm feeling better now, but my medicine dosage got doubled...along with its side effects. Lucky me. Anyway, during my time of social isolation, my dear guy friend goes and does something unspeakable. He bought me Chik-fil-A...without me asking for it or asking if I wanted anything. My own family doesn't do anything like that!
Earlier in the day, I ventured out (idiotically) to get something from the store. I met him outside and showed him a picture of the sign I made that he desperately wanted to see (I'll explain that later on). I felt horrible and excused myself, trying to make a quick getaway before I emptied the contents of my stomach. I made a beeline for my dorm and he escorted me the whole way. He's very persistent like that.
He's also too nice.
When I asked him why he was so nice to me, this is what he said:
"Do I have to have a reason? :)"
Now, what am I supposed to think with an answer like that? One of our mutual friend said that she's pretty sure he's crazy about me, but I can never be sure. He's too much of a mystery to me. Normally, I'm pretty good at reading people and their intentions, but I must admit, this boy has got me stumped.
But then again, I most likely stump him too. I regret to say that sometimes I let my feelings and emotions determine how I act and talk around him. The sign I was mentioning before? Yes, it was for him. He was competing in a race and I made one to tape on my dorm window. It took up the whole window and was very obviously for him.
Sometimes, I feel like he's the world to me and other times it's like "what am I thinking??"
Should I tell him what's on my heart and risk our friendship?
Or should I keep on keeping on and risk losing the best thing I could ever have?
The Land of Confusion is not a very happy place to vacation, needless to say.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

My great mistake, the fault for which I can't forgive myself is that one day I ceased my obstinate pursuit of my own individuality.

Apparently, I'm a melancholy phlegmatic.
In simpler terms, it means I have a boring personality.
One of my friends gave me a book about personality types. What the author had to say made me angry.
The author was basically trying to say that "everyone is unique in their own special way" and then went on to speak as if there were only four types of people in the world. My personality, according to the author, is one that is antisocial, controlling, and strict.
That's not me.
I'm laid back, but I do hold to somewhat stricter standards.
I like neatness, but my room is a complete disaster (I always claim it's the sign of genius in me).
I love laughing and having fun and yelling at games, but I also like sitting by the ocean and listening to the waves hit the beach.
I am, but I'm not.
I am a living contradiction...to myself.
It's true! Sometimes, I do things or say things that are completely contrary to what I would normally do. I didn't like that the personality book placed me in only one and a half categories.
I took their test by picking specific adjective from a list of four words that best described me. Sometimes, all of the words defined me; sometimes, none of them did. It was a test to find my strengths and weaknesses.
Well...I know those. What about everything else?
It based my personality on my strengths and weaknesses instead of who I really am. Who I am when no one is around.
Want to know what the worst thing about the book was?
It told me the type of guy I should be romantically involved with.
It basically said I should go for the loud, obnoxious, confident, handsome guy who hangs around people all the time and doesn't let me get a word in otherwise.
WHAT!?!?
Those types of guys drive me nuts!! I actually want a guy who's more like me---reserved, respectable. You know, a guy I can feel comfortable being myself around. I don't have to worry about pleasing him or his friends with my social status or worry about feeling overwhelmed by him when he does all the talking and doesn't let me enjoy a quiet moment.
I don't want to fall in love with him because of his personality...
I want to fall in love with his heart.