Monday, September 3, 2012

Friendship isn’t about being inseparable, it’s about being separated, and knowing nothing will change.

So, I'm posting for the second time today. I promise these won't be like facebook statuses.
I just want to reiterate how much I appreciate my best friend.
Today, I had an anxiety attack during the school's welcoming program.
It wasn't pretty. I was so scared. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.
He was there with me every second. I feel so bad for causing him so much worry. I wish everything was normal again.
Afterwards, I had calmed down some. I was able to stand for the closing invitation. It was pretty weakly, but I did it. My one friend beside me supported me with her arm. He stood close enough that our arms brushed. Seeing as men aren't allowed to touch women here, it's pretty significant for me.
He insisted that if I need anything, I should let him know.
To be honest, I almost told him I loved him right then and there.
I should probably be more careful of that.
My best friend...he's amazing.

There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't

Hey look! I can blog from school. Sweet.
This past week, I was diagnosed with anxiety and am currently taking medication for it.
Medication that is taking a long, long time to work. On average, I've heard of this medicine not fully working until about one month.
Great.
That makes me feel all better.
To be honest, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Everything that was once familiar to me is now something strange and intimidating.  It's like my world turned upside down and I finally saw how scary the world really is. Except I still don't think it's that scary, my brain does.
My anxiety is caused by a chemical imbalance of seratonin in my brain. Seratonin, from what I know, is the chemical that lets our brain know what emotion to feel. If I'm wrong, please correct me. My brain doesn't have enough of this apparently.
In other words, my brain is saying "AHH! You're gonna die!!", when really I'm just excited to go back to school.
Very inconvenient, I might add.
This isn't new to me, though. I've had some sort of anxiety for my entire life. My earliest memory of it began in 2nd grade. It's just never affected me this badly before.
What constitutes badly, you ask?
Tightness in my throat and chest which lead to gagging/dry heaving fits, trembling, heart racing, cold sweats, tingling in my hands and feet, and hyperventilation.
Sounds peachy, huh?
This seems like the theme of my life: fear. Everything I do is governed by it. I've let it control me and my way of thinking for so long, it's finally taken over completely. When I'm having an attack, it's like I temporarily lose control of my entire brain function. I know what I want to do, but my mind and body won't listen. It's scary. Every time I get in a bad way, my mind goes through a cycle until I drop of exhaustion. I think about something coming up, my body reacts with anxiety, I get anxious because of how I feel, I feel worse because of the rising anxiety. It just goes on from there. It's not a pretty picture.
Lately, I'm starting to feel more in control. I'm actually feeling halfway normal now. Well, my definition of normal atleast.
Fear is a heartless, soulless, merciless captain that can steer you into waters that are deep and rough, then pushes you overboard and laughs as you flail around without a hope of staying afloat. Fear pushes you down and makes sure that you stay down. I just need to learn how to push back...